Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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