Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
