would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
