I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I touched a dick in church today
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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