That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
