I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
