He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
