Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
