I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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