you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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