Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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