i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Randomize
