So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
