So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
