I can tuck mytits in my pants
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
