I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
