I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
