Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
