normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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