I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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