How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
