Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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