was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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