____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
