She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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