how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
