i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
