Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
