i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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