so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You can't special order awesome
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We're too hungover to prance.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
