after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
