So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
