God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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