Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
