last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think i have herpe
just one?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
