1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
