i love accidental penises.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
