just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
