3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
