hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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