Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I didn't notice because vodka
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
