'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
