I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
