My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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