OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
