I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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