The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
