im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
