By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
