did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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