3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
